How I Overcame Adversity with these 5 Positive Strategies

“Adversity shakes the foundation of our character to see if what we believe and value is really worth standing for.” ~Rae Smith

How is it going, Beautiful friend?

Hey girl, how are you doing today?

I mean, how are you really doing? 

Are you excited about the wonderful possibilities this day holds for you? Or are you dragging yourself through life trying to meet everyone else’s needs and unattainable expectations, complete with a tired smile plastered on your face? You know the type: chronic people-pleaser, caretaker of everyone else, self-imposed martyr.

Do you know this girl?

Let me tell you a story about an Everygirl who was following the path that had been laid out before her to the best of her ability. She was a good wife, a good mom, a good daughter. She was a teacher (like her mother before her, of course), a church-going Christian and the President of her small town’s Junior Women’s League. 

She was juggling the responsibilities that come with the various roles that a midlife woman is placed in charge of, in large part because she didn’t know how to form the word “no” when she was already maxed out in the hat department. 

She was dutifully living the life she was expected to live and eagerly awaiting the next morsel of admiration and pat on the head for her job well-done. “Isn’t she such a good wife? Her husband is so lucky to have found her. Her girls are so well behaved. Such a dedicated daughter.”

And all the while she was creating a lovely box for herself to fit into comfortably. It was a beautiful box of accomplishment and validation. And she loved it.

She reveled in the admiration of others that made all of the juggling and multi-tasking worthwhile. She worked tirelessly to make sure the box was flawless and that everyone could see how shiny and perfect it was. It contained all of her feelings of self worth and enoughness.

What she failed to notice was that the box had begun to shrink. She loved her life and her family but sometimes it felt like the box was going to suffocate her. Resentment started creeping in. Overwhelm began taking over. Some days she had to bite down on the inside of her hand to keep from screaming. 

But she put a smile on her face and kept going. She didn’t feel that she had any other option.

Can you relate?

That Everygirl was me. I had the husband, the children, the two story house on a cul-de-sac and the two cars in the garage. We had solid careers with steady incomes and health insurance and family close by. If you peeked at my FaceBook page you would have said, “Damn, they’ve got it all!”

And we did. 

But somehow that wasn’t enough.

A series of unexpected events shook my foundation and catapulted me into an entirely different direction. I was forced to reevaluate the kind of life I wanted and believed I deserved.

The death of my mom kicked things off and spiraled me into a sadness that perhaps I lingered in for a little too long. 

*(Sidenote: There is NO time limit on grieving the loss of your mother.)

Then a surprise divorce petition from my best friend of 30 years threw me into a tidal wave of despair and confusion that threatened to keep me under.

Finally, the death of my father took me to the threshold of grief and dangled me there.

My teenage daughters were thrown for a loop with the sudden disruption of their lives as well. I deeply regret that I was not always the strongest mom and role model for them while I was struggling to keep my own head above water.

My identity as a good wife, good mom and a good daughter was shattered. I felt like I was drowning and some days it seemed easier to just swim down. (Hamilton, anyone?) 

I spent my spare time in isolation because I didn’t have the energy it took to put on the face and pretend everything was alright for a second longer than I absolutely had to. 

When I did venture out, I was like a newborn colt trying to figure out how to get her legs under her. I had not dated since I met my husband when I was almost 16 years old. It was a crazy new world that I had no idea how to navigate and I fell down many times.

I tried to hide my crying jags, but you probably know how well that worked out. (Haven’t we all looked at our red tear-stained eyes in the mirror enough times to know that it’s next to impossible to camouflage?) I took to sobbing in the shower or crying in the car in an attempt to keep it all to myself. Grief became my constant companion. 

Someone once said grief is just love with nowhere to go. And I felt that.

So what saved my life?

I knew that I had to make a change. I couldn’t stay down. My girls were watching me. They were in their own turmoil from the collapse of our family and needed their mom to lean on and guide them through it.

Let me just say that there is not a good or ideal age to be when your parents divorce, but during those impressionable teenage years, when you are trying to figure out your own self image as a young woman and get a handle on life in general, is a particularly terrible time.

However, before long my little warriors suited up their armor. They did their best to protect me from additional stressors while simultaneously shielding me from their own pain and grief.

I am not proud of this, but I admit that I gratefully leaned on them for support and solace more than once during those dark days. They were my little rocks and I desperately needed stability.

One day the realization emerged that they were taking lessons from me on how to deal with pain and suffering. (Conceal, don’t feel…) We were all hiding our pain from each other. We were all pretending things were okay.

And it hit me like a slap in the face: I taught them to handle pain like I did…to hide it.

What had I done?

It was my job to be the strong one. They needed me to be the rock they could lean on.

I dragged myself up from the bathroom floor (and out of bed, and off the couch). I washed my face and took the first step toward getting my shit together.

I straightened my crown and put my discarded smile back on. Not because I was hiding my pain this time (well, TBH, there was still some of that) but because I needed my girls to see that even when we get knocked down we can get back up again. We have the power to overcome disappointments in healthy ways, and become even stronger for it.

But we have to do some work.

And we don’t rely on any one person for our happiness. It has to come from within ourselves first. 

How I turned it around.

Enter positivity. Not the sugar-coated Pollyana kind that I had been relying on for years, but the intentional kind. (Yes, there is a big difference!) I took off my rose-colored glasses and developed solid strategies for truly cultivating a positive mindset.

Those strategies helped me overcome the adversity I was facing and step outside of the box of unrealistic expectations I had designed for myself. It was then that I began to create the life I really wanted to live. 

Sound simple? Well, it was and it wasn’t. I already had everything I needed to put things into motion. I just needed to figure out how to use my thoughts and decisions to my advantage. It had to become a part of my daily practice.

I narrowed it down to 5 strategies. Read on and choose one to start with.

5 Steps to Overcoming Adversity

1. Focus on the Good Around You

   First and foremost, I began to focus on all of the good things around me. My girls, my friends, my family, my job. I even became conscious of the beauty of the sunrise and the pleasure of clean sheets. I noticed that food began to have flavor again and the scent of flowers could lift my mood.

   By focusing on the good around me, and intentionally practicing gratitude for each one of those things, I started to realize that I had more and more things to be grateful for. In fact, they multiplied. Each day I found something else in my life that I added to my thankful list.

   I saw my divorce through a new lens and realized that it had granted me a freedom I had never experienced before. I was independent for the first time in my life. It became liberating instead of defeating.

   I learned that gratitude is a powerful remedy for sadness. It distracts your mind and draws its attention (even if only for a minute) to something lovely and satisfying. Soon your brain begins to seek these things out on its own.

   Take a look around you. What do you see that brings you joy? Look inside your heart. Which feelings inspire strength and happiness? Write down at least 5 things that you are grateful for in this moment.

2. Cut Out Negativity

   I stepped back from social media and avenues that conjured up feelings of judgment or inadequacy. Stories and posts about the (seemingly) perfect lives of others made me feel ‘less than’ were not serving me well. Why was I choosing to subject myself to those frustrations?

   If it made me sad it had to go. 

   I unfollowed people who brought me down online. Not by their intentional actions or comments, but by the incessant barrage of perfection that caused comparison anxiety in me. Although I knew that the perfect pictures did not always tell the full story (Yes, I knew this because I had done it too) it still created an impression that my life did not match up to theirs and that I was somehow inferior. Ridiculous, right?

   Ridiculous or not, it brought up negative feelings and I had to cut them out, at least until I was in a better place emotionally. (Update: I’m in a good place now, and still proactively choose not to re-enter that world of comparison anxiety.)

   IRL, I unfollowed people too. I stopped gravitating toward those who did not support me. I quietly withdrew from my former circle and cultivated my own tiny tribe of women who lifted me up unconditionally. They were supportive and strong, but they also told me when I needed to make smarter decisions. Ladies of tough love and fierce convictions. Trust me, every woman needs at least one of them in their corner.

   I started to feed myself with positive rhetoric. I replaced FB friends and Instagram pages with positivity posts and quotes of affirmation and inspiration. I devoured my newfound positivity and it made me stronger.

   I avoided the news on TV. I stayed sufficiently informed without saturating myself with the scary aspects of the world that the networks like to keep running in a constant feed. That kind of negative energy is toxic and can deplete your sense of hope.

   I realized that I had the power to control what feeds my mindset on a daily basis. It is no different than controlling what goes into your body to constitute a healthy diet. You are what you eat, the same way you are what you feed your mind. I learned to feed it wisely. 

   Take stock of what you are feeding your mind on a daily basis. Are there some things that you can cut out? Do certain aspects of social media or the news trigger feelings of overwhelm or insufficiency? Try omitting them for one week and see how you feel.

3. Repeat Positive Affirmations

   I practiced reading and internalizing positive affirmations that reinforced who and what I wanted to be. I looked for quotes that supported my new positive diet and reread them over and over. I wrote them on post-it notes and stuck them to my mirror and my computer, even my steering wheel. 

   I memorized my favorites and printed them out on pictures. I texted them to myself and my girls. My photo library now contains more positivity screenshots than actual photographs.

   Although some seemed a bit audacious at first, I tried hard to believe them as truth as I read them. (Fake it until you make it, right?) 

   Eventually I started to believe them. I am a work in progress, but they are becoming my truth and my reality.

   Try repeating these words to yourself right now:

   “I am healthy and strong. I am beautiful and worthy of love. I am loved by many and I am enough. I am abundant and money comes to me easily.”

   How does that feel? Do you believe them yet? Repeat them again. Write the down and post them around your space. Keep reading the and saying them out loud until they become your truth.

4. Believe in Something Bigger Than Yourself

   I relied on my faith in a benevolent higher power that had my back and wanted the best for me. One that would remain a constant presence even as I walked through fire or staggered through my imperfections.

   I was brought up in a small-town Episcopal Church, but my adult experiences had me questioning the rules and admonishments that people of the church seemed to hold over me. 

   My curiosities led me to explore other churches that seemed to align closer to what I thought God wanted for me and from me. I joined Praise Bands and Worship teams and looked for a new way of worshiping that ignited my soul. 

   I spent hours talking to God… in the car, in bed, in the silence that frequently accompanied me. Just as I had done for years, I thanked Him for the many gifts I have been given, pleaded forgiveness for my shortcomings and asked for things to be good for those I loved and for myself.

   But then I tried hard to actually listen. (This was new!)

   I never heard “a voice” come through or anything like that, but I learned to glean responses in other ways. More than once an answer to a question I had came to me through what another person said, something I was reading, or even through a song I was listening to. The more I opened myself up to accepting messages in more unconventional ways than I was used to, the greater our communication seemed to flow.

   I certainly don’t have all the answers here, but I continue that journey of curiosity and self-discovery every day. I respect other perspectives and am open to new ideas, but at my core it is my faith in God that sustains me and provides a solid foundation beneath my feet, even when the rest of the world seems upside down. 

   Take a minute and examine your thoughts on a higher power. Do you believe in one? Is that belief supporting you now? If you are searching for something to grab onto, don’t stop. Having faith in something bigger than ourselves can give us hope that there is something else at work greater than we can even comprehend.

5. Practice Attracting What You Want

   I explored the possibility that the Universe plays an integral role in our existence. I tried aligning myself metaphysically with my goals and raising my vibration to be on the level of what I wanted. I practiced using daily affirmations and frequent visualizations.

   I learned all I could about the Law of Attraction. I reread The Secret and I rewatched the episode of Oprah that got the movement going in the 90’s. (Remember that one?)

   I started following Gabby Bernstein after my daughter gave me her book The Universe Has Your Back and it struck a chord. I even started listening to her podcast and getting her newsletters. I may not have understood everything, but I liked the overall concept.

   I studied it and practiced manifesting the thoughts, people and material things into my life that I believed would bring me happiness and success. 

   I embraced the phrase, “I am…” and began speaking it out loud followed by whatever I wanted to be.

   I created my own vision boards. First I went old-school with posterboard and cut out magazine pictures. Then I moved into the digital age and created one on Pinterest. (You know what I learned? It doesn’t matter how you make it, as long as you just do it!) I looked at it frequently and kept my goals at the forefront of my mind.

   I made lists and checked things off. I raised my vibration (even though I wasn’t super sure of what I was doing) to the level of what I wanted. I visualized myself as happy, successful, loved and surrounded by people and things that supported that vision. 

   Did it work?

   Truthfully, I flailed around for a bit during this whole process.

   I fell down. But I got back up and tried again.

   I cried. But I washed my face and started over. 

   I had to find the things that directed me forward and upward. This is true for each of us. We are all unique in what drives us and in what we have to offer the world inside of us. 

   There is no one-size-fits-all prescription for moving through grief and manifesting a beautiful life. 

   But eventually I began to see the results of my efforts. My life began to unfold in ways that brought me joy and confidence and increased my faith in myself and in the fact that I wasn’t alone. 

   I watched my life fill up with things that brought me happiness. My people were protective and supportive. I began to feel that my affirmations actually applied to me.

   Positivity began surrounding me and filling my lungs like fresh air.

   What does this mean for you?

   What are you thinking right now? The steps sound simple enough and I said that anyone can follow them, right?

   It is and they can. Believe me.

   It takes a bit of faith, discipline and grit to stay the course and believe it into existence, but it’s possible.

   It takes determination to get back up when you slip.

   It takes belief to understand that you are in control of more than you thought before.

   It takes intention to draw the things to you that inspire you to thrive. 

   Dear friend, all of these things are already inside of you, you just need to bring them to the surface. 

   I know that it can be done because I did it. 

   You can do it, too.

   Take step one. 

   Start by adding one of these strategies into your daily routine today.

   Try it out. Give it a chance. Watch what happens in your life, in your perspective, in your mindset.

   Then add another. And another.

   I promise that you will see a difference in your life when you look for the good around you and express gratitude for it, release negativity from your environment, affirm your beautiful self, have faith in what sustains you, attract your desires and cultivate a positive mindset.

   Your mind controls your life and you control your mind. You have no limits.

   You are positively limitless.